


you said you love me exactly the way i am

by orphan_account



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:42:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24544825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It’s a photo of Alex with that stupid glittery filter that makes his eyes shine. He’s grinning widely enough to show off the little vampire fangs that Lewis thinks about probably too much. He looks happy. Actually happy. The question hovers above his head – Are you and Lewis dating?, it reads.
Relationships: Lewis Buchan/Alex Elmslie
Comments: 4
Kudos: 92





	1. never had nobody as sweet as you

**Author's Note:**

> some angst, some softness bc i can't write these two without getting really soft for them
> 
> also sorry for so much dialogue - i, like alex, literally never stop talking and my writing reflects that, i guess
> 
> story title from sweet tooth by cavetown
> 
> chapter title also from sweet tooth by cavetown

Alex’s phone buzzes on the bed next to his hip. He scrabbles for it in the duvet for a second. Even before seeing the screen, he knows who it’ll be. There’s only one person that ever calls him.

‘Hey Lew,’ Alex says as he answers.

‘Hiya darling, how you doing?’

‘I’m good,’ Alex replies, lifting his phone up to see Lewis. He grins at the slightly grainy image on his screen. ‘Better now.’

‘Yeah?’ Lewis’s returning grin is even brighter than Alex’s. It’s crooked and pulls up more on one side than the other. Alex thinks it’s perfect. Lewis adds, ‘That’s lame.’

‘Shut up.’

‘Love you really, darling.’

Alex rolls his eyes and tries to force the smile off his face. He kind of hates how easy it is for Lewis to make him smile like an idiot. All he has to do is wink or smile or call Alex darling. He hates it because it gets him bullied. Mostly by George and Will, but Lewis isn’t blameless either. The difference is that Lewis only does it to make him blush. Every time he succeeds he likes to say that pink really _is_ Alex’s colour.

That thought alone is enough to make his face flushed.

‘Was there something you wanted?’ Alex asks to distract from his pink cheeks.

Lewis shrugs. ‘Just to hear your voice.’

‘Wow,’ Alex replies. ‘That’s lame.’

‘Ooh, well done.’

Lewis rolls his eyes, but he can’t stop the grin tugging at his lips. Alex blows a kiss to the screen; Lewis pretends to grab it out the air then presses two fingers to his lips. The butterflies that had moved into Alex’s stomach the first time Lewis called him darling erupt into celebration. Clearly, their housewarming party still hasn’t ended. Alex mentally rolls his eyes at how ridiculous that sounds.

‘I actually need my phone for something,’ he says, refusing to think any more about butterflies. ‘Call on my Macbook instead, yeah?’

‘Cor, you’re a right show off, you are,’ Lewis says with a wink.

Alex scrunches up his pink nose and shakes his head. ‘Hate you.’

Lewis gasps and presses his hand to his chest. ‘Urgh, heartbroken,’ he cries. ‘Guess I’ll just hang up if you hate me so much.’

‘’Kay,’ Alex says, dropping his phone onto the duvet and leaning down to grab his laptop from its spot on the floor next to his bed. ‘Bye then.’

‘Just can’t wait to get rid of me, can you?’

‘Nope.’ Alex turns his laptop on then slumps down further in his bed, his head pressed up against the backboard. It’s not the most comfortable position, but he’ll manage.

‘Well,’ Lewis says. ‘I know when I’m not wanted.’

Alex’s phone pings as Lewis hangs up. It is closely followed by a chiming from his laptop. He accepts the call and a familiar face fills the screen.

‘Wow, fancy seeing you here,’ Lewis laughs. ‘Long time, no see.’

‘Are you aware –’ Alex pauses to sigh deeply. ‘That you are, in fact, a massive loser?’

‘Yes,’ Lewis replies with a grin as Alex grabs his discarded phone from the bed. He continues, ‘What’d you need your phone for anyway?’

‘Insta story ‘bout my new video.’ Alex narrows his eyes at Lewis through the screen. ‘So don’t speak.’

‘You know me,’ Lewis says with a wink. ‘Quiet as a mouse.’

‘A mouse?’ Alex asks just as he opens the video. ‘Like Stuart Little, you mean?’

Around the edge of his phone, he can see that Lewis is desperate to say something. He is scrunching his nose up and biting his lip to stop himself. Because Alex asked him to. Well, told him to, maybe. But it still sends a buzz down his spine that makes it hard to focus on promoting a video about God knows what. He forgets pretty much everything when Lewis is around. Even so, he pushes through and gets a short video that is just about good enough. He adds a countdown, posts it, then turns the camera on Lewis.

‘Smile!’

Instead, Lewis fake pouts and sticks up his middle finger.

‘Even better,’ Alex says. He adds a questions sticker and sends it off. His phone lands back on his bed with a bounce and Lewis nods shortly.

‘No,’ he says, like it’s something he’s been waiting to say. ‘Not at all like Stuart Little.’

It takes a second for the words to register in Alex’s mind, but when they do, he can’t help laughing. It really _was_ something Lewis had been waiting to say.

‘Don’t laugh!’ he whines. ‘This is a serious fucking problem. Stuart Little needs to pay.’

‘For what?’ Alex manages to get out between fits of giggles. ‘Insurance for that little red thing he drives?’

‘No, Alex,’ Lewis says sternly as he shifts closer to the camera. ‘For his war crimes.’

Alex rolls his eyes and shakes his head. ‘You’re a freak, Lewis Buchan.’

‘Yeah, and you love me.’ Lewis grins. ‘So who’s the real freak?’

Alex pretends to think for a second. ‘Definitely still you.’

‘Hey!’ Lewis cries. He is going for outrage but stops just short of whiny. Alex grins, rolls his eyes again and goes back to his phone.

‘First question,’ he says as he opens the response to his Instagram story. ‘How often do you and Lewis Facetime? All the time, next question.’

‘Wait,’ Lewis says. ‘Did you actually post that?’

Alex flips his phone around to show him the screen. ‘Course I did.’

‘Just gonna expose me like that?’

‘What you gonna do about it, huh?’ Alex asks as he scrolls through the notifications coming through. Lots about him and Lewis. He finds one about his last video and taps out an answer. Looking back up at Lewis, he adds, ‘Loser.’

‘Wow,’ Lewis says, dragging the word out and letting his voice go soft. ‘Can’t believe I’m getting bullied by the cutest boy in the world.’

‘Shut up,’ Alex forces out, but his cheeks are stained pink again and the butterflies in his stomach flutter dangerously. He ignores the pout on Lewis’s face and keeps going through the responses to his story. The same words flash up on his screen one after the other.

‘God,’ he laughs. ‘All these questions are about us.’

The grin drops off Lewis’s face. ‘What _about_ us?’

‘They’re just asking if we’re shagging, that’s all,’ Alex replies without taking his eyes off the phone. ‘Don’t worry about it.’

‘Easy for you to say,’ Lewis mutters too quietly for Alex to catch.

‘What was that, mate?’

He shrugs. ‘Nothing, Al. It was nothing.’

Whilst Alex is distracted, Lewis clicks over to Instagram to see the damage. He taps Alex’s story icon and quickly turns his volume down just as Alex’s voice bursts out his phone. Clicking past the video, he is met by his own face and then Alex’s with the words _all the time_ across his nose. It’s a really cute photo. Part of him wants to screenshot it and keep it forever. Instead, he shakes his head and goes to the next one – it’s about Alex’s last video – then onto the most recent. He holds his thumb against the screen to keep it there.

It’s a photo of Alex with that stupid glittery filter that makes his eyes shine. He’s grinning widely enough to show off the little vampire fangs that Lewis thinks about probably too much. He looks happy. Actually happy. The question hovers above his head – _Are you and Lewis dating?_ , it reads.

The answer is pasted across the side of Alex’s face, the black words a stark contrast to his pale skin. _what do you think?_ , it says, followed by a string of emojis so un-Alex-like that it almost makes Lewis laugh. Except the tightness in his chest doesn’t leave any room for laughter.

‘Lew?’ Alex’s voice drags him out of his head like it always does. ‘Did you catch that?’

‘Nah, sorry,’ he replies. He tries to keep his voice even, but he’s not sure he succeeds. ‘Missed it.’

He pulls Facetime back to full screen just as Alex rolls his eyes, grin still firmly on his face. He’s gonna pull something if he keeps that up, Lewis thinks.

‘Wow,’ Alex laughs as his tongue flicks over one of the fangs Lewis likes so much. ‘You’re so rude to me.’

Lewis is certain that the smile he offers in return is more like a grimace.

He shrugs. ‘Yeah, well.’

‘Are you OK, Lew?’

‘Yeah.’ Lewis runs a hand through his hair and nods. ‘Course I am. Got a cute boy paying attention to me, what could possibly be wrong?’

He’s hoping it’ll be enough to distract Alex, but he is still looking intently at him, head tilted slightly to one side like he’s trying to figure out what to say next.

‘Anyway,’ Lewis tries again. ‘What were you saying?’

Alex licks his lips then pouts. ‘You sure?’

‘Sure,’ Lewis replies, despite being anything but that. Even though he looks like he doesn’t want to, Alex sighs and nods.

‘Yeah, so, like,’ he starts, and Lewis finds himself melting into the soft rising and falling cadence of his boyfriend’s voice. He nods in all the right places and replies just enough to keep Alex distracted from the mess of thoughts whirling around Lewis’s head.

Alex’s joke answer to a stupid Instagram question shouldn’t be sending him into this much of a tailspin. Like Lewis isn’t the one who started all of this dumb flirting. Like Lewis isn’t the cause of all the rumours. Because he wears his heart on his sleeve and never used to care what people thought.

But, it’s more than that. Alex deserves someone who will show him off properly. Not from behind a screen and seven layers of _it’s all jokes, obviously_. Someone who’s heart wouldn’t threaten to explode out their chest at the mere thought of people knowing.

Lewis shakes his head and tries to focus. Alex is gesturing wildly and talking a mile a minute, like always. For a moment, Lewis relaxes. There’s no one else looking in on their very new relationship. There’s no Instagram story hinting at anything. There is only Alex, speaking way too fast and stumbling over his words. There is Alex and Lewis and no one else matters.

Until Alex pauses in the middle of a sentence to respond to another question. He flips the camera round to face Lewis and grins.

‘The people wanna know if you simp for ImAllexx,’ he says. Lewis squeezes his eyes shut for a second. Alex doesn’t seem to notice, just continues, ‘Tell ‘em what they wanna hear, would you?’

It would be so easy. So easy just to say something dumb and flirty. To call himself the number one ImAllexx simp. To say something about he never stops thinking about him. But it all feels too honest. Too close to the truth.

So, instead, he shakes his head and says, ‘Nah, fellas, I cannae stand the lad.’ He exaggerates his accent because it helps to disguise the shakiness of his voice. And because it always makes Alex smiles. At least, it normally does. This time, though, Alex just looks concerned. Maybe it doesn’t hide the shakiness as well as Lewis thought it did.

Alex puts his phone down and leans towards his webcam. He looks like he wants to ask a question. Like he wants to ask what’s wrong.

Lewis doesn’t how he could turn the tangle of thoughts in his head into coherent sentences. He also isn’t sure he wants to. That would mean dumping all of his messy feelings on someone who has enough messy feelings of his own. It would mean telling Alex that he’s scared. That Lewis isn’t good enough. That –

So, when Alex finally opens his mouth, Lewis interrupts him.

‘I have to –’ he says quickly, then pauses and takes a deep breath. ‘I have to go. Sorry.’

‘OK, no –’ Alex starts but the call cuts off before he finishes. ‘Worries.’


	2. call me on the phone at three (i talk to you while half asleep)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s late, Alex knows. Late enough that George has already gone to bed and the flat’s completely quiet. Even London itself seems to have the volume turned down, the typical night-time city noises reduced to a low background hum. Maybe it’s the quiet that’s stopping him from sleeping – he’s used to it being louder than this and it helps to block out the noise inside his head. At least enough to sleep.
> 
> Lewis has been acting weird the last few days and Alex can't work out what's wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahah, i could bearing gifts - it is Minor Angst
> 
> except this time it's alex! ooh i'm mixing it up a bit
> 
> don't worry there is some softness
> 
> chapter title from fool by cavetown

It’s late, Alex knows. Late enough that George has already gone to bed and the flat’s completely quiet. Even London itself seems to have the volume turned down, the typical night-time city noises reduced to a low background hum. Maybe it’s the quiet that’s stopping him from sleeping – he’s used to it being louder than this and it helps to block out the noise inside his head. At least enough to sleep.

With a sigh, he rolls over and grabs his phone off his bedside table. Squinting at the brightness, he opens a familiar text thread taps out a short message.

 _insta live?_ , it reads. The reply comes quickly, too quickly. He should be asleep, Alex thinks.

 _Go on then_ , it says.

Even though Alex is a little bit annoyed at Lewis for still being awake past 3am, he also can’t wait to see him. And you really can’t complain, the rational part of his brain reminds him. You’re awake too.

He shakes his head and wakes his phone up again. The bright light almost blinds him this time when it bursts into life, but it’s worth it. The photo of Lewis and Cody that he had set as his lockscreen is far too soft and he definitely wouldn’t have done it if anyone but George was likely to see his phone. But they weren’t. And George could deal with it. Because Alex missed his boyfriend. Sue me, I guess, he thinks as he blinks rapidly against the brightness. He opens Instagram and, as he’s setting up the live, a message pops up at the top of his screen.

 _We doing this or what?_ , it reads.

Alex grins and shoots back, _yeah we are you impatient fuck_.

He taps the button to start the live video and watches as the number ticks upwards. The chat begins to fill and he does all of his normal greeting stuff, but he’s really only looking for one name. He can’t stop his smile as soon as he spots it.

‘’Ello Lewis,’ he says, shifting so he’s lying on his side and can hold the phone more easily. It’s a terrible angle, but who cares? Not Alex. ‘Care you join me?’

Alex grins into the semi-darkness as the screen splits in half when Lewis joins. He’s sat up in bed, duvet pulled up to his chin and his face illuminated by a table lamp. It gives his skin a golden-orange glow and he looks perfect.

‘You gonna turn any lights on, Mr Elmslie?’ Lewis asks with a grin. He’s whispering again because he doesn’t want to wake his parents up. There’s something almost unbearably adorable about that and Alex’s stomach warms at the thought. He doesn’t mention it though.

‘Why?’ he says instead as he shifts to flick his bedside lamp on. ‘You wanna see my pretty face?’

Lewis freezes and it takes a second for Alex to realise that it’s not his phone. Just as Alex goes to say something, Lewis shakes his head and his mouth quirks up in an odd half-smile.

‘Nah, nothing like that,’ he says. ‘I don’t wanna see your ugly mug.’

It isn’t the response Alex had been expecting. His heart squeezes in his chest and he blinks a few times to ward off errant tears.

‘Course not,’ he replies but his voice sounds choked even to his own ears. ‘Who would?’

Lewis’s brows draw together as Alex scans the comments popping up on the screen. He’s trying not to look at Lewis because he’s worried that he won’t be able to hold back the tears if he does. It’s stupid. It was so obviously a joke – Lewis has made it his mission to single-handedly dismantle all of Alex’s self-esteem issues. At least, that’s how it seemed to Alex. But then why had he said that? Alex thinks. It was a joke, yeah, but jokes could still hurt.

‘Alex,’ Lewis says slowly. He sounds like he’s about to apologise and he’s holding his shoulders really weird.

‘Anyway,’ Alex speaks over him. ‘How am I coping with lockdown? Lots of carbs, lots of Fifa, even more Warzone and Facetiming Lewis so I don’t go mental with just George around.’

At that, the stiffness in Lewis’s shoulders starts to dissipate. Alex always knows exactly what to say to make him feel better. Unfortunately, a barrage of comments all saying the same thing tightens his shoulder right back up again. Comments, one after the other in a seemingly endless stream – _that’s gay_ , they all read. He tries to ignore it and move on, but the words play on a loop in his head.

‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I can barely get rid of him. All hours of the day and night, there he is, nattering away.’

‘Wow! You’re so mean to me,’ Alex says, but his voice is soft and so sweet and Lewis wants nothing more than to just melt right into it.

‘You deserve it.’

It isn’t what he wants to say, far from it, but it’s the best he can offer in front of 400 semi-silent strangers. If it was just the two of them, Lewis would have no problem telling Alex that every moment they spend together – even through a screen – becomes the new best moment of his life. And Alex would giggle and blush and –

But instead, he’s stuck here pretending that he doesn’t care in front of a bunch of teenagers. Pretending that this is a bit instead of a 3 am conversation with someone he’s pretty sure is the love of his life.

It’s normally easy for him to distract himself with Alex, but it doesn’t seem to be working so well this time. He wonders if it has something to do with the fact that he’s trying to distract himself from an issue with the root of the problem. Not that Alex is the root of the problem. But it’s not far wrong. He shakes his head again and tries to focus on Alex’s aimless mental wanderings.

‘So, anyway, that’s what happened with Will,’ Alex finishes with a grin. ‘Don’t tell him I told you all.’

Lewis laughs even though he missed the whole story. He glances at the chat and scans it from something to take his mind off the thoughts buzzing around his skull like a swarm of angry wasps.

One catches his eye – _anyone else thinks lewis looks really tired and sad?_. He sighs and drags a hand through his hair.

‘Alex?’ he interrupts. Alex is talking about how they first met, but he stops short as soon as Lewis speaks.

‘Yeah, Lew?’

‘I think I’m gonna sleep,’ he says. ‘My brain isn’t working right.’

Alex narrows his eyes and squints at the screen. Lewis does look tired, as much as Alex doesn’t want to admit it. His smile is dull compared to his usual sunshine grin and his eyes look strained and a little sad. He can’t believe it took until Lewis said something to notice. A fucking terrible boyfriend, that’s what he is. He squeezes his eyes shut for a second then opens them and nods.

‘OK,’ he says softly. ‘Sleep well.’

‘You too, mate,’ Lewis replies. ‘Hope you sleep well.’

Lewis disappears quickly from the screen and Alex tries to hide his sigh. He runs a hand through the front of his hair and tugs at a too-long strand. He reads a couple of the comments still pouring in and almost manages to make his voice sound natural. He thinks he’s doing OK until he sees a comment saying do you think _alex and lewis had a fight or something??_ followed by a stream of comments agreeing.

Shit, he thinks. He was hoping that no one else had noticed the weird feeling between them. It hadn’t been a fight, they hadn’t even disagreed on anything. But there was still something very weird going on. Maybe Lewis had just been tired, but that didn’t really explain it. Alex can feel the tears pricking at his eyes and he knows that he needs to end the live before they get too obvious.

‘I’m off too’ he murmurs. He blinks quickly for a few seconds before continuing, ‘Peace out people and have a great day. I am gonna go sleep for at least 12 hours.’

*******

There is a message waiting for Alex when he finally wakes up from his hibernation.

 _Good morning <3_, it says. _Or afternoon, probably, by the time you actually read this, you layabout_.

He can’t stop the smile spreading over his face and his concerns from before start to melt away. His text in return has barely even sent when his phone buzzes with an incoming Facetime call. He answers it quickly and shuffles up to sit as it connects.

‘I was right, darling,’ Lewis says as soon as his face pops up on the screen. He’s sat at his desk, with his hands behind his head and a grin on his face. Alex raises an eyebrow at him. He adds, ‘It’s gone 3 o’clock. In the afternoon. Just like I said.’

‘Yeah, well.’ Alex shrugs. ‘Didn’t sleep too good last night.’

‘Again?’ Lewis asks, his voice heavy with concern as the grin drops off his face. Guilt flares up in Alex’s stomach – he didn’t want Lewis to feel bad. Or to ask why he’d barely slept. How do you go about telling your boyfriend that you didn’t sleep because you’re scared he’s over you?

If he says anything, it’ll only speed up the inevitable. Better to cling to what he’s got instead. But that’s not fair, Lewis isn’t like that. He’s a good guy with a good heart. So then why was he being so weird and distant on the live?

Alex shakes his head. That’s not helpful.

‘Yeah, but I’m alright now,’ he says instead of acknowledging the whirring thoughts filling his mind. Lewis still doesn’t look convinced. Alex can’t blame him – even in the tiny square on the screen, he can tell that he doesn’t look good. His eyes are barely staying open and his smile looks like plastic. Luckily Lewis doesn’t call him out, just nods slowly.

‘Wish I was there, darling,’ he says instead. The implication is there – wish I was there to make you sleep. Wish I was there to make it better.

‘Me too,’ Alex replies. And he does, he really does. He just doesn’t add: Because maybe then I could ask what the fuck is going on with us.

Because this feels almost normal – the flirting, the pet names, the softness. Everything other than the uncertainty buzzing under Alex’s skin. And the way his mind keeps cutting back, like a poorly edited video, to how weird Lewis was in the live. How distant and quiet and just off. Lewis calling Alex ugly instead of showering him with compliments – even as a joke – was weird. And it hurt. Which feels stupid, but it did.

He’s gone over that thought so many times that weird barely sounds like a word anymore.

‘You filming today?’ Lewis asks, the softness familiarity of his voice drawing Alex out of his head without even trying.

He shakes his head. ‘Nah, was gonna, but I’m not feeling it.’

Lewis’s brow furrows as he peers through the screen. Alex shrugs and tries to look normal.

‘Don’t worry so much,’ he says as he drags a hand through his hair. Especially when it feels so fake, he wants to say, but he keeps it to himself. Because it’s not fair really. Lewis does care, that much is obvious even to Alex, regardless of how oblivious George says he is. Lewis does care about him. A lot. Just not in front of other people.

*******

Lewis didn’t tell Alex he was streaming tonight. He isn’t obligated to, obviously, but Alex has gotten used to sitting in Lewis’s streams, even if he isn’t really involved. And he’s gotten used to the advance warning.

It’s fine that Lewis didn’t tell him, but combine it with everything else and it leaves Alex feeling a little empty.

The Lewis on his screen right now, laughing and joking and offering that sunshine grin to a bunch of strangers, looks nothing like the one from Alex’s live. He looks like he’s supposed to look. Like he looked before Alex spilt his stupid messy feelings everywhere. But here, Lewis looks like he always used to look. And the only thing different is that Alex isn’t there. He should just leave, it hurts too much to watch, but he can’t help clinging to the scraps of the Lewis he recognises.

‘What do I really think about Alex?’ Lewis says. Alex guesses that he’s reading something from the chat, but he can’t see in it the words scrolling past him. His heart clenches in his chest as he waits for Lewis’s response. ‘In my top five favourite people in the whole wide world.’

Alex blinks a few times. That wasn’t what he was expecting. That was the kind of response that Lewis would have given back at the beginning before Alex fucked everything up by having feelings. Back when all the flirting was a joke. Or at least, back when Lewis thought all the flirting was a joke.

‘Actually,’ Lewis says and Alex’s breath catches in his throat. ‘Not top five.’

Alex’s heart sinks and tears prick at the corners of his eyes.

‘Alex is my all-time favourite person in the whole wide world,’ Lewis finishes.

The breath that Alex lets out is long and stiff and shuddering. His shoulders shake as the words sink into his skin, warming him from the inside out. Maybe Lewis does care. Even in front of other people. The world around him fades as his fingers hover over the keyboard. He should say something. Let Lewis know he’s here. It felt too intimate for Alex to hear that stuff when Lewis didn’t know he was there. Like an invasion of privacy, somehow, even though it was public. And about him. He’s scared though. Scared that if he says anything then Lewis will go back to how he was in that stupid Instagram live. Fuck it, he thinks as he types out a short message.

_you’re my favourite too lew_

His heart pounds as the message is swallowed up by the chat. He twists his fingers in the duvet until Lewis laughs.

‘Hiya Alex,’ he says. ‘I see you lurking in the chat.’

It’s easier this time. _it aint lurking if ive said something_ , he sends.

Lewis grins even wider and shrugs. ‘Guess you’re right. Well, hi anyway.’

Then he just moves on. Ignores the spam of comments asking about Alex and just keeps chatting aimlessly about whatever comes to mind. Alex tips his head against the backboard of his bed, his pillow squashed down behind his neck and offering no support at all. He tries to let himself focus just on Lewis’s voice. It has this sort of magical quality to it that normally makes it easy for Alex to tune into it. Normally, hearing Lewis talk melts all the stress from his shoulders. But, as much as he tries and as easy as it feels with Lewis right now, he can’t stop the uncertainty crawling over his neck like a spider.

‘Alright you lot,’ Lewis says. ‘Leave Alex be. We’re going to race some marbles.’

There is only one thing to do in this situation. Alex sighs and runs his hand through his hair.

He needs to talk to George.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is: more of this but with added george
> 
> might be the last one, might not be - who knows? certainly not me


	3. loving is easy (when everything's perfect)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘I just –’ he chokes out. He told himself that he wasn’t going to cry, but here he is, barely even able to get the words out. ‘It just – it feels like Lewis is trying to break up with me.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, here i am, making up for the Very Minor Angst with overwhelming fluff and george content
> 
> chapter title from loving is easy by rex orange county

George sighs and flops back against the quilted headboard of his bed. Alex sits cross-legged at the other end, fingers fisted in the duvet and eyes wet.

‘I just –’ he chokes out. He told himself that he wasn’t going to cry, but here he is, barely even able to get the words out. ‘It just – it feels like Lewis is trying to break up with me.’

‘I – You – What?’ George stumbles as he tries to wrap his head around Alex’s words. ‘That cannot be true. I’ve never seen anyone more in love than him, mate.’

‘He is though,’ Alex says softly. His voice sounds weak and wobbly even to his own ears. No wonder Lewis doesn’t want him anymore. ‘He’s pulling away so much.’

‘No, Al, don’t say that.’ George reaches out and his fingertips just brush Alex’s leg through his joggers. ‘You were on Facetime yesterday.’

‘Yeah, George,’ Alex says, swiping at his eyes with the backs of his hands. ‘Yesterday.’

George shrugs then leans forwards to pull Alex’s hands away from his face.

‘Come ‘ere,’ he says. Alex frowns but lets himself get tugged up to the top of the bed. George tucks his arm easily around Alex’s shoulder and brushes some hair off his face.

‘Lewis does not want to break up with you,’ he says sternly. ‘That bloke is obsessed with you, I swear.’

‘It’s just weird, George.’ Alex shrugs and shakes his head. ‘Nothing feels right anymore.’

‘Anymore?’ George asks. His voice is so soft and Alex’s chest aches with it. It’s times like this that he’s reminded exactly how lucky he is to have George. Lewis is the person he’s fallen in love with, but George might just be his soulmate. Actually, not might – is. George is his soulmate. No one else gets Alex quite like he does.

And he always asks the right questions.

‘Yeah, anymore.’

‘When’d it change?’

‘Dunno.’

George ruffles the back of Alex’s hair. ‘Then think.’

Alex shrugs again – he doesn’t _want_ to think about when his boyfriend might have stopped wanting him. One glance at George’s raised eyebrow forces him back on track though. Maybe there _is_ another explanation. Maybe it’s not just that Lewis doesn’t want him. Maybe there’s more to it. George is good at making him think. So, instead of pouting, he casts his mind back and filters through memories like sand through water.

‘We were on Facetime,’ he says finally. George hums in acknowledgement but doesn’t add anything else. Alex is glad, he’s not sure he could carry on if he had. ‘I was doing one of those dumb question things on Insta and someone asked if we were shagging. I told Lewis and from then on, he’s been really weird.’

‘Alex,’ George sighs.

‘It’s like he’s ashamed of me,’ Alex continues. It’s easier to ignore George this time as something bubbles in his stomach. Something that’s a little bit like anger and a lot like fear. ‘He’s fine being all cute until there’s anyone else around and then he clams up and doesn’t want anything to do with me.’

‘Alex,’ George says again, but there’s a sharpness to his voice that wasn’t there before. Alex stops. ‘For God’s sake, think about what you just said for a second.’ ‘I –’

‘He isn’t _ashamed_ of you, you bellend,’ George interrupts, tugging gently on a long strand of Alex’s hair until it stings slightly. ‘It sounds to me like he’s scared of people finding out. Scared of being –’

‘Oh,’ Alex breathes out. The heat of George’s arm around his shoulders bores into his skin like a brand. It doesn’t feel so comforting now.

‘Oh?’ George pulls away. Alex nods and takes a deep, shaky breath.

‘I’m a right fucking idiot.’

‘You’re not, Alex,’ George replies. The edge has gone from his voice and he curls his own hand around Alex’s and squeezes it. ‘You’re just a guy who panicked and jumped to a really dumb conclusion.’

The very corner of Alex’s mouth flickers at that before he remembers what’s at stake here. ‘I –’

‘Nope,’ George cuts him off. ‘Now stop your crying and go and get your man.’

With another deep breath, Alex leans forwards to press his face into George’s neck. George’s arms wrap around Alex’s waist and he hugs him tightly.

‘Alex?’ he murmurs into the hair which tickles his nose and gets in his mouth.

All he gets in response is a hum and Alex snuggling closer.

‘Al, go and talk to Lewis,’ he says with one last squeeze before pulling away. He pushes Alex’s hair out his face and wipes away a stray tear with the pad of his thumb. ‘Please?’

***

Alex’s hands shake as he types out a short message. This will change everything, he thinks. He rolls his eyes at how dramatic that sounds, but something deep in his stomach tells him that it’s true. He has never been good at serious conversations, always preferring to cover issues with jokes. But with this one, that feels like putting a plaster on a broken wrist. Nothing heals that way.

And Alex really wants – needs – this to heal.

_can i call you?_

He takes a deep breath and hits send. If his phone ends up on the other side of his bed, then that’s for him to know. It buzzes almost immediately, and he scrambles to untangle it from the duvet.

_Phone or ft?_

That’s all he says. No questions asked.

Alex isn’t sure that he can bear to see Lewis’s face. But he’s also not sure he can bear not to either. He purses his lips and whistles.

 _ft?_ he replies, and his phone vibrates again in his hand. He answers the call uncertainly but feels his shoulders relax as the screen lights up. Right choice, he thinks.

‘Hi.’

‘Hiya, Alex,’ Lewis replies. He sounds just as uncertain as Alex feels. Guiltily, that makes him feel a little better. It’s nice not to be the only one wrong-footed.

‘Was there something you wanted?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex breathes out as he tucks his legs onto the bed and rests his phone on his knees. ‘I want to apologise.’

Lewis’s brow twitches. ‘What for, darling?’

‘Not getting it.’

‘Not getting _what_?’ Lewis asks. He’s got one of those confused, polite smiles that doesn’t reach his eyes plastered across his face and it makes Alex’s stomach clench dangerously. Oh God, he thinks. This is a horrible idea.

No, he _has_ to do this.

‘I thought you were over me,’ he says finally. Even the fake smile on Lewis’s face drops and he goes to speak. ‘Please, Lew, let me finish.’

Lewis sits back, nods and, although it looks like it pains him, says, ‘OK, Al.’

‘I got scared, see, because it felt like you were pulling away from me,’ he says. It takes a lot for him to continue. ‘I kind of thought you might be ashamed of me. You always pulled away in front of other people.’

‘Oh, darling,’ Lewis sighs. But that’s it.

‘Then, I talked to George.’ Alex drags one hand through his hair. ‘He told me I was an idiot.’

Lewis almost laughs at that.

‘He also said you were obsessed with me.’

‘Twat,’ Lewis says, but a smile plays at the edges of his mouth. Alex loves the way that George and Lewis interact – all bluster and jokes to hide the affection they feel for one another. ‘Did he tell you _why_ you’re an idiot?’

‘Because I jumped to a dumb conclusion.’

This time, Lewis does laugh. Alex’s heart warms at the sound.

‘He’s right though,’ Alex says. ‘I did. I didn’t think about what it might be like. Just put my own experiences on you. I was so caught up in finally having someone worth showing off that I didn’t even stop to think that maybe you didn’t want that.’

‘Alex, darling,’ Lewis tuts. ‘Don’t take all the blame. I could have – should have – told you. Can’t expect you to be mind reader alongside being the cutest boy in the world now, can I?’

‘Still should have asked instead of just assuming,’ Alex insists.

Lewis shrugs. ‘Yeah and I coulda told you anyway. But we didn’t. So instead of could haves, should haves and what-ifs, why don’t we think about the future?’

‘The future?’

‘Yeah, baby,’ Lewis says softly. ‘I ain’t going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.’

‘Good.’ Alex bites his lip and blinks. ‘So, looking forwards?’

‘Well,’ Lewis says with a grin. ‘How about you focus on not jumping to the worst possible conclusion and I will concentrate on actually telling you stuff instead of assuming you know? What d’you say?’

‘Yeah.’ Alex nods. ‘OK.’

‘OK,’ Lewis starts, then pauses and takes a deep breath. ‘I don’t think I’m ready for everyone to know. I haven’t even told my _parents_ yet.’

Alex sighs and rubs his eyes. ‘I’m sorry, Lew, I didn’t even think.’

‘It’s OK. But I’m scared that people are gonna work it out if we keep acting the way we have been. I just – I can’t handle that, Al. Not yet.’

‘No, I –’ Alex stumbles. ‘I get that. Now.’

Lewis smiles and Alex’s stomach flips like it has since the beginning. It’s even lost that slightly sour edge that it had picked up in the last couple of weeks. The lingering fear that Lewis’s smiles didn’t mean what they used to. That he –

‘Can I just ask for one thing?’

‘Of course you can, Al, anything at all.’

‘I know it was a joke,’ he says. And he does. It feels stupid to still be upset over it, but whilst they’re getting things off their chests, he thinks it might be worth it. ‘But it really hurt when you called me ugly.’

‘When I –’ Lewis stops, the quick words coming back to him. ‘Oh, darling, I’m so sorry.’

‘It’s fine, really, just thought I’d mention it, it’s not like –’

‘Hey Alex,’ Lewis says, leaning towards the camera and narrowing his eyes. ‘Shut up and let me make it up to you.’

‘Go on then, make it up to me,’ Alex giggles, his face and stomach both feeling warm. ‘Dare you.’

Lewis always knows what to say to make everything better. To fix everything. It’s one of the many things on Alex’s list of ‘reasons to let Lewis love me’. The list was George’s idea. Well, he meant it sort of as a joke. Just an off-hand comment when Alex had been moping about not being good enough for Lewis. Moping is George’s word too. Alex would say that he is –

‘You’re so pretty, Al,’ Lewis says. It’s quiet, but Alex is tuned into his voice enough that it still drags him out of his thoughts. His shoulders relax at the words. ‘I’m real sorry I ever made you think otherwise, even for a second. You’re beautiful, darling, inside, and out. Don’t think I could possibly love you more.’

‘OK.’ Alex lets a soft smile spread across his face. ‘All made up to me.’

‘Wish I was there,’ Lewis murmurs close to the microphone. Alex almost giggles at the way Lewis’s voice crackles, but the low, rich tone stops him in his tracks and has him gripping the phone a little tighter. ‘Wish I could cuddle you right now.’

‘Stop it, you,’ Alex says as he rolls his eyes. But he can’t keep the softness out his voice or the smile off his face. ‘We s’pose to be talking about important things.’

‘Cuddles _are_ important,’ Lewis replies faux-sternly. Alex bites the tip of his tongue to stop the laugh that tries to escape.

‘I hate you.’

Lewis winks. ‘Sure you do, pretty boy.’

It’s not fixed, Alex knows that. Not by a long shot. They still need to talk about how they’re going to act in public and how Lewis feels about maybe telling his parents at some point. They both need to get better at talking. And listening. And not jumping to the worst possible conclusions. So, they’re still far from perfect. But, with a lot of love and few more difficult conversation, they might be on their way towards it.

Or, at least, Alex thinks. Something close enough to make it worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo i actually finished a thing with more than one chapter - be proud of me


End file.
